Tina

"do you wanna know if everything glittering will turn into the gold..."

2008-01-07T06:11:56Z

I rediscovered this song from the movie Keeping the Faith today..Peter Salett heart of Mine. I'd put in the lyrics but its really how it sounds that makes it so adorable. I also figured out he did most of the music for Down in the Valley ANOTHER good Edward Norton film.

so....its been a while eh?

I'm not really sure what I have to say, I just have so much time on my hands right now and its been so long since I've updated I figured I should.

I'm glad that I at least got a job...that makes me feel better. However, I wish I wasn't stuck here in New York. I really want to be in South Jersey right now.

I can't tell if I actually like New York or not. I mean I think it has its perks, but I don't know if I'd ever feel at home here. In fact, I don't know if I'd ever feel at home without a good deal of the people in South Jersey. I don't know why. I have friends here...I mean I guess not as many as I used to, but definitely I have friends. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a big baby.

I wish I didn't have to think about growing up and becoming responsible right now, but I do. I kind of feel like that guy in Office Space when he says that if he had a million dollars he'd do nothing. That's sort of how I feel. I try to do all these things I think will get me somewhere but the truth is I often don't care that much...bleh.

I am trying to apply for the Peace Corps right now and I'm starting to see it as a bad sign that I can't even write an essay explaining why I want to do it. I mean I think I have my reasons, but it just isn't coming. And I'm wondering...does that mean my reasoning isn't sound? Ugh. I dunno.

In other completely unrelated news, in the same week, strangely enough, two of my celebrity loves are getting divorced: Brendan Fraser and Daniel Johns. In Brendan's case I feel pretty bad considering they have three kids- that's a pretty shitty situation- but I'm not terribly surprised about Nat and John...I think they were pretty young when they married. But anyway I think this only proves it is I who is their real soulmate, eh? ha. I'm so sad.

and I am also tired, so I think I will sleep...or try to.

brendanluver22 @ 2007-05-28T02:02:00

2007-05-28T06:54:49Z

So I really like this song Fortunate Fool by Jack Johnson. I don't know why, but it came on the other day and every time I hear it, I feel so connected to it and I'm not sure why....

"She knows the world is just her stage
And so she'll never misbehave
She gives thanks for what they gave her
Man, they practically made her
Into a mmm...
But she's the one that stumbles when she talks about
The seven foreign films that shes checked out
Such a fortunate fool
She's just to good to be true
She's such a fortunate fool"

So here I am awake and restless yet again. I hate being this way. And you know you would think its because I am still so overwhelmed from my experience on Semester at Sea or something, but its not. The truth is I have actually decided that I'm not sure I would repeat that experience. Not because I didn't have fun, but because I have begun to disagree with the concept of travel. The next time I go anywhere I want it to be for a purpose beyond just enjoying myself. I mean okay yeah it helps you learn about a place when you go there, but I just think what is the point of learning about a place or becoming "cultured" for your own selfish reasons when the place you're going needs real help. I'm not saying I know the best way to help even now or that I regret SAS...I am eternally grateful for what I learned on the ship, but I just think that traveling is about me and not about others. I want to do something that will make the world a better place and now that I've seen some of the world maybe I can do something...if small things. I wish I knew if I have made changes...I don't know that I have. I can think of a few things: I have been getting into the habit of turning off the water when I soap up, I am volunteering at the Wetlands Institute this summer, and I am in the process of working with Marymount's environmental club on getting Marymount to be more sustainable. Enough? Probably not. But I guess at least its more of a start than after El Salvador.
Still I am just so uncertain of everything. I am so lonely sometimes. I mean okay yeah I have been surrounded by people since I've come home, but as always I feel I need more to some extent. I don't just want company....I want to be loved. How corny, I know, but I really just want someone to be with. And I wish I understood why I don't. I mean good lord how long have I waited for something that works out? And I don't know if I am just difficult to deal with or if I am just bad at relationships but I just wish I had what couples I see have. Whatever...I guess I should stop bitching and be positive for once. But jesus I'm going to be 21 and I haven't gotten this figured out. Ridiculous. Okay well I guess thats all...more random ramblings to come later...

brendanluver22 @ 2007-05-16T10:53:00

2007-05-16T15:03:03Z

Soo I am in Kobe　Ｊａｐａｎ　ｒｉｇｈｔ　ｎｏｗ　ａｎｄ　ｈｏｌｙ　ｓｈｉｔ　Ｉ　ｈａｖｅ　ｎｏ　ｉｄｅａ　ｗｈａｔ　ｔｈｉｓ　ｋｅｙｂｏａｒｄ　ｉｓ　ｄｏｉｎｇ．．．ｈａｈａ　ｏｏｈ　ｗｅｌｌ　Ｉ　ｇｕｅｓｓ　Ｉ　ａｍ　ｐｏｓｔｉｎｇ　ｉｎ　ｔｈｉｓ　ｃｒａｚｙ　ｂｉｇ　ｆｏｎｔ．．Ｉ　ａｍ
Ａｎｙｗａｙ，　Ｉ　ａｍ　ｉｎ　ｔｈｉｓ　ｔｒｉｐｐｅｄ　ｏｕｔ　ｉｎｔｅｒｎｅｔ　ｃａｆｅ　
ｗｉｔｈ　ｌｏｔｓ　ｏｆ　ａｎｉｍｅ　ｃｏｍｉｃ　ｂｏｏｋｓ　ａｎｄ　ｃｒａｚｙ　ｆｏｏｄ　ｉｎ　ｖｅｎｄｉｎｇ　ｍａｃｈｉｎｅｓ

hahahahahhaa I just wanted to leave this in here because it is from when I tried to post from an internet cafe in Kobe Japan and I couldn't get the keyboard to stop using japanese characters- grnated the boxes that livejournal has produced to represent thoae characters is not quite the same effect, but I found the memory rather hilarious.

ANYWAY. I am home now. It was a long plane ride...a lot of thinking and a lot of crying actually. Things were not as I had planned them to be in both good and bad ways and I kept feeling I could have done so much more...could have made so many more friends...could have taken so many more chances in port going out on my own. I don't know...I have a lot of regrets but I'm not sure it could have ended any other way...3 months is too short a time to travel as much as I did without feeling you could have done more I guess.

And I am oh so glad to be home. I am very tired and overstretched. In fact, I believe I am going to take a nappy nap right now. because red eye flights suck like no other. But I just thought everyone might like to know my whereabouts after so long being MIA :) Hope to see everyone soon!

whoa....

2007-02-05T17:45:51Z

Sooooooooooooo I am now on a boat headed toward Puerto Rico.

Sorry if I did not call and let everyone know but I was very busy beforehand and calls from the Bahamas are very expensive.

I probably won't be on much because I only get so much free internet time but I will try to keep everyone posted on here as best I can. I also have a travelpod which I will post to at some point (prolly after Puerto Rico) so anyone who wants to see it comment me your e-mail and I will invite you. ALSO e-mail me your address if you want some postcards and I will do my best to oblige.

I totally got sea sick last night, but I'm hoping I'll fare better tonight. Anyway I get to Puerto Rico in two days and classes start tomorrow so I am very excited. The ship is friken fantabulous...I can't even tell you. besides which my captain has a very attractive british accent which has brought me much delight during announcements.."ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking..." Its like when the airlines do it but much much better, ha.

Anyway, more later. Bon Voyage, eh?

sir I want to buy these shoes...

2006-12-26T01:05:17Z

just a quick update to say Merry Christmas..well Happy Holidays...to everyone. I had a really nice couple of days...fairly relaxed and I felt like I got everyone just enough and I didn't leave anyone out, so that was nice. I got some luggage which is sorely needed and SOCKS too so woooo.

I hope I did not spend a lot of money however because I have been realizing this week just how much money I will be shelling out for Semester at Sea in the next month. Oh dear lord its crazy. And I want to do EVERYTHING you know? I don't want to miss any opportunity because of money, but I just have to be very aware that I am on a budget.

and WHERE are my gosh darn work checks anyway? I am waiting for checks from the tutoring center but also from babysitting and from taking notes. COME! Bah I need that money soooo bad. At least I got some mula from my dad though. I am going to put that away immediately and hold onto it like my life depended on it.

I also am going to try to get a job tomorrow because I need some way to pay my expenses.

Do you think anyone would let me tutor them on the ship? Probably not, right? Bah.

well anyway Happy Holidays :)

brendanluver22 @ 2006-12-17T17:09:00

2006-12-17T21:09:09Z

its been a while, eh?

and since I do not feel like looking at my paper that I've been looking at since 8:30 this morning I think I'll just write here. It may make me feel like I'm getting away from it.

Is it bad that I can write papers now and barely think about what it is I'm saying? Like I can remember when I used to spend hours wondering what my argument should be in the paper or how I should start the paper and what my thesis should be. Now I basically just write and don't stop. And it makes me feel kind of bad because it feels like I don't give a shit enough anymore to write really good papers. I mean maybe my Middle East paper was okay, but other than that I'd say pooptastic for the rest as far as any creativity or energy goes.

I just wish I didn't write so many papers that it has become mechanical and meaningless to me. I can get an A on a paper and feel like I've barely thought it through and I don't think thats a good thing.

Beh, but I guess that is school for you, pretty much makes anything you actually enjoy mechanical. This semester has actually gone surprizingly well....I don't think I've really lost a nights sleep over work this semester which is good. Either I have become faster at doing things or I've just learned how to organize myself a little, but somehow mostly everything got done without much sweat. Probably its because I'm taking math courses that are essentially review, a review that I need, but review.

Anyway, I started packing my things to come home today and I realized I cannot wait to get out of here. I feel sad thinking about not seeing Kara and Heather and friends here, but really I just want to go away. Kara asked me yesterday whether I would miss New York and I just said "no." flat out. I realize that I have no attachment to this place at all...or locations in general. I told her I'd miss the people here but thats it.

The truth is, though, I don't know if I'll even miss people too much. Is that wrong to say? I mean I will, but I just suddenly have such a strong desire to escape everything. I feel so confused with what I want for my future...but somehow I don't know if I'll find what I'm looking for here. And maybe thats selfish of me to say, but I don't mean in it to downplay the importance of anyone I love, and I don't know...something makes me want to just be away from here.

I saw this movie Blood Diamond the other day and there was this journalist in it who has been all over the world covering stories and at one point someone tells her to go and marry a good man and she says "my sister's are all married to good men...I like my life as it is". And I was saying on the way home that there is a big part of me that feels that way...a big part of me that doesn't want to do the settling down thing and wants to go have these crazy adventures in the middle of nowhere. She said something else..."some people say I'm just addicted to crisis" or something like that. And its true, I feel that. Is it weird to not be able to stand that things are good? I think perfection can just drive you stark raving mad.

The flipped side of all this is that I'm not that cool adventurer she is. I wish I was, but I'm not. And maybe I will end up getting away from here for a few years but chances are I'll be back because the people I love are here. I was saying after the movie that I just couldn't see myself being that person who lives their work and neglects everyone they care about. Maybe thats a weakness thing, I don't know, but I just feel like I couldn't live without a lot of people by my side....okay I mean I COULD live, but it would be considerably less of a life. I just don't know how you do both...I mean can you?

Anyway just thoughts as my college career pushes me closer to making those permenant, settled decisions of jobs and what not. I am glad that whatever happens I'm at least going to have this semester at sea deal..at least I can say that.

See everyone when I come home on the 20th YAY!

miles away...there's hopeless smiles brighter than mine...

2006-11-08T03:23:57Z

(see if you know that one Whitnay ;) )

Tina Peabody is confused.
Tina Peabody is confused about school.
Tina Peabody is confused about what she wants to do with her life.
Tina Peabody is confused about why her stomach hurts right now
Tina Peabody is confused about men.

Tina Peabody is so gosh darn confused she is writing in the third person.
...and making terrible jokes about it.

I'll tell ya though somewhere between now and second grade I lost my way...don't know how. But I sure as hell thought I knew what I wanted as far as everything then. And then I also thought I knew what I wanted in highschool senior year. AAAAAANNNND then I REALLY thought I knew what I wanted as far as everything is concerned by the end of freshman year. Lord knows now that I had no idea.

Honestly, why is it so hard for me to figure out what I want to do?

Why can't I be like people who just know they want to do something and just go at it with a sense of purpose?

Here's the thing, like I said I have been thinking about the fact that I don't really care to study literature anymore...at least not like I used to. Now, I could try...it would be veeeeeerrrrry hard, but I could try...to complete and International Studies Major with my English if I pull an extra year at Marymount...and take a January and Summer course or two. Is this really what I want? I think so...and I mean I think it would be really great for me if I decide to get into journalism to have that sort of background....but it IS a lot of extra money. And it is time I could be NOT in school for once.

Granted I still want to complete my math and creative writing minor...eh.

And I'd have to miraculously CLEP out of at least 2 sections of a language. Which with my Spanish....I don't know if that'll happen. I guess it could...and I could make it happen. But yeah...

Why do I just want to do everything? Its so silly.

And I try so hard to ride this balance between having a life and becoming an academic slave to books. I don't want to be that person that does not do anything with their life but read and analyze things. I want to live, I want to be able to have a family....I want to have experience

and yet part of me wants to go as far academically as I can...like PHD level. Could I? I don't know, but I would love to try.

And yes I know I could have all the PHD's in the world and not be educated but I'm just not ready to learn all I need to know on my own yet. I love learning in groups with others. I don't want to just sit by myself and read. At least in class there is some social aspect to it.

Eh, whatever.

I don't know what the hell my problem is but I am insane.

I also have the tendency to keep my mouth shut about too many things I know I should speak out about. This is causing me problems lately in certain aspects of my life and if I wasn't such a pussy I would correct it. That is all I have to say about that.

And everything else. As Socrates might say "I am done with you."

and I'm not....not sure...not too sure how it feels...

2006-10-28T05:35:16Z

Today was a weird day. I feel very off center.

Got caught in the rain...damn cold rain too....kinda fun in a strange way, though.

So a professor said something to me today....and I don't know why, but its bothering me. I keep thinking about it...

It was a compliment, but a compliment that made me feel like what I've been doing in college for three years is irrelevent. Something I have been kind of vaguely feeling since El Salvador but have been afraid to acknowledge.

Basically, he told me that I needed to switch into the social sciences. And as much as I was flattered by the fact that he thought I had some good writing, I don't know what to do with the fact that at this point in my life I think he may be right.

I think the deep truth is I don't know if I want to study literature anymore. I mean, granted I want to write and I still love literature but I've begun to fail to see the point in my learning about it.

Not that I regret any moment of my English study here, but honestly I just don't feel passionate about it anymore. About writing things, yes, but I guess I feel like I've learned all I need to know about literature. I mean I love it as an art, I really do, but that doesn't mean I want to study it. Right now Middle East class is the most important class to me. All the others I could honestly give or take. But the things I have discovered from reading about the Middle East are just so...I dunno...they make you think about everything in a different way. Especially this government we have.

Now don't get me wrong, I love it here. But the truth that I have had to face since being in El Salvador and taking this class from a professor who is himself Palestinian is that we are responsible for so much of the issues that other people have. I mean, not all of them, but many. Look at El Salvador. Whose fault is it that sweatshops exploit the workers there? Why is that the government could care less about the plight of the poor that work there? Because we give them fucking money to give us that cheap ass labor and open their doors to free trade so that domestic economy is completely controlled by outside businesses and the government itself has no means of protecting its workers. Similar story in many Latin American countries.

What about the Middle East? Well, lets see. We wonder why they hate us. Why in the world would they have a problem with us, right? The truth is that we supported the invasive policies of Israel since 1948 for no other reason except we felt they would keep security in the Middle East and protect our interests since they were so powerful even though almost every country in the Middle East except for maybe Egypt refused to recognize Israel as a state since (with our help) it consistently shirked UN demands to get the hell out of Palestinian territory that it promised to. But why do Iraqis hate us? Lets see, perhaps the fact that during the cold war we decided that Iraq was contrary to our interests and proposed what we called dual containment on them and Iran who we also felt was a "disruptive force" (unlike, you know, the Israeli state because they just made everything peachy keen in the Middle East). During which we made sure that Iraq and Iran would not prosper economically. In the gulf war, Iraq became so frustrated with our support of Israel at the expense of Palestine and the feelings of almost all other Arab states that they invaded Kuwait, a strategic monarchy cut out of the newly formed Iraq by Britain after World War II to ensure that Britain would be able to control the oil supply of that region and the gulf...leaving Iraq to watch as Kuwait became wealthy of Western purchase of oil. The U.S intervened where it would not intervene on behalf of the Palestinians and then proceeded to impose harsh economic sanctions on Iraq for years after which hurt the poor more than anyone else and did not allow Iraq to make any money off of oil profits. AND once we had beaten the Iraqis, we left the people under the care of Suddam Husayn, who now we cry and scream about as being a monster and horrible person.

And then we call every muslim a terrorist and think that Islam teaches violence. You should have seen the hurt in my teachers face when he was trying to explain to us how Islam is really about acceptance . Now granted it also teaches to convert others..but it also teaches tolerance for Jews and Christians.

I just, I dunno. The more and more I know the more I am upset that I never knew what was going on around me. I always vaguely knew about Israel and Palestine but I did not understand it.

anyway I think that is far too much of a rant for one night. Just a lot to think about.

away from the city....

2006-10-08T17:58:55Z

welllll then. Its been a little while since I last updated I guess.

I am in Pennsylvania right now...kinda nice to be away from the city. Actually really nice. I love that it actually feels like the fall season here. And that there is actually stuff going on for Halloween. Yesterday Kyle and I went to pick apples from some farm and we went through a corn maze, ha (kinda ironic...a corn MAIZE...haha...yeah...awkward).

Anyways, I had fun actually being outside and being around grass and trees and dirt because I've realized that NYC is just laaaaame in the fall. LAME.

I still feel pretty gosh darn apathetic about everything right now though. And its sad because I shouldn't. Things are good, but I'm just BORED of it all. I just wanna like....hop a boat to some random country and never come back sometimes.

Haha however, as Geoff said, this is the point in which I feel bad that I am being so selfish and think about the starving children in Ghana....or whatever country it was he said. I guess it doesn't really matter though you can pretty much insert any Latin American/African/ Middle Eastern country and say the same thing.

Its true. I should be more grateful, but hopefully once I go on Semester at Sea I'll feel I have purpose again.

Anyway I guess thats all, Happy Fall everyone. Later!

"All these years I was waiting to feel more than life..."

2006-09-20T00:03:21Z

It occured to me that I perhaps should update everyone on what's going on with me....

Of course as I'm writing this its occuring to me that I don't have much to update.

Pretty much has been the same old same old at school...not in a bad way...in a good way, I think. I am pretty gosh darn content.

AND I am sooooo enjoying doing math again. Who knew I actually liked it that much? But I really really really missed it, I think. Besides which I feel a lot healthier when I am not reading 5 books at once.

Poptards is going pretty well, too, I think. However, due to all the mainstage productions and everything we will only be having a Best Of Show and one other show this semester. Oh well, at least they will probably be really good. (I hope).

Other than that, what can I say, I lead a boring life, ha. But no really I love my simple little life and the stupid things that I do to keep myself occupied that mean so much even if they don't sound like they do. Honest to God I've probably spent more time going for walks with friends than anything else this semester.

HOWEVER, I do sooooo want to go Fat Cats soon! And I definitely need to go to the MET and MOMA (and maybe a new museum for once..ha) because I haven't really gotten to since I've been here.

Can we talk about how happy I am, by the way, that I have found a few Silverchair fans at school!? One girl actually heard me say Silverchair and she sang "Steam will Rise" to me and I was like RES! She did not know Diorama, however, and I intend to force her to listen to it against her will. While holding a gun to her head and raping her. With a broomstick.

.....

hahahahaha, awkward enough? I know I will get some anonymous comment on that being like " OMG like you shouldn't talk about rape like that LOLZ !?". But no matter. Anyway, no i seriously intend to lend her the CD next class even though I don't really know her just because I think she'll like it and I'm the kind of awkward shithead who would do something like that...and, yes, the kind of awkward shithead who would joke about raping some chick she doesn't even know.

But what else is new?

Haha ya know this all makes me wonder what happened to my entries of the old days which were all "I just think that life is about the stripe of a zebra and I read this book that metaphorically made me think about the stripe of a zebra while studying a philosopher who said that zebra stripes are the meaning of life"

Anyone notice that it gets harder and harder to take things seriously as you get older?

Anyway, its time for me to go read about linguistics and learn things like the fact that parrots cannot recognize that Polly and Molly rhyme. Its interesting stuff, even though I'm sure it doesn't sound that way.

later days.

brendanluver22 @ 2006-08-18T20:58:00

2006-08-19T00:58:29Z

So school is very soon. Too soon.

I've had quite possibly the most fulfilling summer of my life and even though I've been doing a lot I just wish it could stay like this forever because I know that in a week or two I'll be a slave to books and clubs and everything like that. **sigh**

I feel I have really found myself this year...and I am just genuinely happy. I mean I have good and bad days but lately the good have been outweighing the bad and I am actually enthusiastic about life which I have to admit is something I haven't felt for a while.

I dunno...I was at the beach the other day just swimming like a little kid playing with my little brother...taking pictures of him and Brittany (photos I am rather proud of, I have to say) and I just thought to myself things are pretty damn good.

And something else that made me happy what that one of the little girls I babysit (ADORABLE) says to me one day, "are you an adult?" and I said "yeah I'm twenty" and she goes "oh, well then why do you play so much?". So I explained to her that adults are in fact allowed to play too. But I was really glad she said that because I've realized that I have started to play more and thats why I love being around kids. One day the girls went on their slip and slide cuz it was really hot and I just decided to go on with my clothes. I spent two hours on a slip and slide. Then I went to Becca's birthday party and spent three hours in a water fight with all of the kids. It was so nice just to be that silly again. And this week I went to the rec center and played basketball (love it) and swung on the swings. This was my exercize rather than just walking around the park..though I also did that once.

I can remember thinking that it was a bad thing to be happy..that if you are happy all the time you just don't think very hard about the world. But I was being as fake as I thought happy people were, I suppose. Anyway I am reminded of the words of a wise person who said that the best music comes from ecstasy and not darkness (can you guess who?). I really liked that. Because I guess I always felt this pressure to be angry at the world to write or to be a good artist, but I don't think thats so true anymore. I mean you definitely have to be able to view your world as an outside observer sometimes, but you don't have to always be filled with disgust. If there's anything I learned in El Salvador its that often postivity and hope become more important in changing the world than anger and aggression. Another person who I cannot recall at the moment said that poets are not depressed people who cannot stop moaning about their lives...that in fact good poets were the happiest, most passionate people in the world. I liked that too. But anyway to honor the author of the first quote, I am quoting his music. I have become attatched to this song lately and many others of his. I can't say I'm positive what it means...I mean lyricallly...I've tried to decipher, but nothing solid. But strangely I feel I understand it anyway by the sound of his voice.

" Breathe in the night

That crushed a tired sunrise

Born again the day

Brings young naivety

A laptop souvenir is worth its weight

In silver a golden son

You'll be home again

And I'll be home again

Mend in my sleep

I'm boxing under water

Waddle on the wake

Waking on a summer day

After all these years

Forget about the troubled times

Munificent, artless and ascetic

Playing like a scared

Enthusiastic pawn

And every father's pain

Casts a shadow over a broken son

You'll be whole again

And I'll be whole again

All those years

I was hurting to feel

Something more than life"

brendanluver22 @ 2006-08-10T21:35:00

2006-08-11T01:35:18Z

I am tired.

I haven't had a day off in two weeks...not that I am saying babysitting and cleaning the inside of limos is necessarily HARD but I do spend a lot of time outside and I pretty much have something to do every second of the day. I have not gotten to see anyone which is probably good ( for my pocket I mean) because this has been a horrendously expensive summer.

(for those of you who don't know, I bought a camera a while ago...it hurt. Badly. But I love it a lot)

Anyway other than that I am just starting to stress a bit. I don't have much time left and I feel like there is so much I need to be prepared for...arg. I have to go to some lame luaua planning thing and I have to figure out what I am doing with Poptards because I have not been thinking about that enough at ALL. The only thing I know is that I want to see if I can use the shows to get donations for organizations I spent time with in El Salvador. Speaking of which, I STILL need to send out my pictures to everyone. BAH.

HOWEVER on a more awesome note I got into semester at sea...now I just have to book my cabin and I'm off. Holy shit.... I'm traveling tolike 10 different countries. I'm going to LIVE on a boat. I can't even believe it at all. Kyle will be there as well which will make it easier but I just hope I actually try to meet other people as well because I know easily I stick with the people I know rather than meeting new people.

I don't know if that fact that I am going has actually hit yet. Its bizarre. I never thought I would do anything like this.

**sigh** and I am strangely lonely. I definitely need attention and I need someone to focus my energy on. Whatever, it'll pass I guess. I just wish I wasn't always waiting for someone to waltz into my life because it never happens. And, yes, I know I shouldn't just wait, but I don't know what else to do. How do you go out and just find someone? I guess I missed that day of school.

Well I have a lot to think about...and I need some sleep.

Goodnight all.

Tina-ness

2006-07-29T03:16:41Z

yeah so today was very bad. Bad to the point that I was crying with frustration on my dog, who was looking at me ever so sweetly wondering why I was packing all my things so quickly. Long story short my mom said soemthing to me that basically made me feel completely unwelcome in her home..yes her home...I don't think I can even consider it mine. Well okay not unwelcome but definitely more like a damn visitor than her daughter. And I can't explain why it was so traumatic to me...I guess partially because I still want home and at the very least I stll want my dog. Because its not his fault my mom doesn't want me there and every time I come over he looks at me as if he just wishes he knew how to keep from packing up in two days and its SO depressing. That stupid little stare he gives me. BAH. And then of course he licked me when I started to cry which made me cry harder because he was being so cute. He actually licked at the tears too..as if he wanted them to go away. why is he so precious?

Anyways, earlier today I also felt teary eyed for another reason. Pretty weird...I went to this show the girl I babysit is in and as I watched the kids singing and dancing up on stage for some reason I just kept getting choked up. What the hell is wrong with me...am I turning into a cryer all of a sudden?? Ha, anyway I couldn't understand why, but I was thinking about it and I guess it was just that I remember being that young and the excitement of being in a show and I guess I wish I still had that part of my life. I definitely don't want to act, but I don't want to stop working with the stage. I guess it was also that they are all so young and I just kept thinking how I wished I had done more at their age, ya know? LIke really got out there and gotten involved more in things like that.

Now...to each of these events was a flipped positive side and here it is:
With the whole show thing, it just made me more excited about the idea of coming back to SJ after graduation and doing things here first. I can work for a newspaper here and then I really want to work on getting more theatre down where we are. And the show gave me the idea of creating a summer program for performers at Dennis Elementary like the one this little girl was in. It would be SO good for the school and the community I think. Dennis kids do not get much in the way of oppertunity with arts and so I think it would be really good and my way of making up for oppertunities I didn't have I guess. Not to mention that I could possibly write for these programs and things.

ALSO the big positive was that I called ma Whitnay and we went to a movie. The movie itself was enjoyable and I just felt SOOOO much better afterwards. And Whitnay I just wanted to say I love you and fank you for cheering me up because I really needed it :) I wish everyone else could have come too but of course you were all BUSY >:O SO NO COMPLIMENTS FOR YOU! ONLY WHITNAY! ha, I kid, I kid I am always thankful for all of my friends even if I don't always say so....though I am sure that Whitney prefers the compliments all to herself anyway lol

Anyway....interesting day...goodnight all.

and this is it.

2006-07-07T02:53:20Z

Today marks the first day of the rest of my life. At least that is what it seems.

I was just getting all of my stuff together preparing to lug over ten years of my life to my father's house and I was just thinking...this is the beginning of the end. I never considered how much of a turning point for me this will be, but, for the first time, if I come home from college I won't be going home really...I will be going to a new and incomplete version of what home was. My sister will not be there. My cat will not be there. The new guy will be there. I realized too that I am holding on to so much of my past and, while it would hurt me deeply to let any of it go...the great possibility is that I might have to. And the truth is I should be letting someone else enjoy some of the things I have, but I am horribly possessive of a lot of it. It means the world to me. It is junk and papers to some people I guess, but it is important to me. I don't know if I can let that go, but I definitely may have to let go of some of it. Especially because in the next few years I'll be getting out on my own and can I really afford to lug around my collection of pez dispensers? I dunno. I can remember the time I threw out this box of notes I'd kept for years and years. They were all from like 6th 7th grade and folded in those corny triangle shaped papers that were so cool then for some reason and I guess I was in high school at the time and just decided..ya know...I don't need these anymore. So I think I opened each one and looked at them and then hesitantly poared them into the brown paper recycling bag and stood there staring. It was tough and I d idn't want to do it, but I guess it seemed necessary at the time. I can't help but wonder, is it? Do I need to get rid of all of my tokens of memory and stupid little trinkets to move forward?

It seems to be the question of the hour for me because I am moving on in more ways than one.

I am leaving my childhood home and, more than likely, will have less of a "home base" than I did before, so I am definitely going to be moving toward more self reliance. I also think I am opening a new chapter in my life. After El Salvador, I feel like everything is different for me...I feel like I found something of myself there as strange as that may sound and I feel like I am going to come at life with renewed purpose and vigor. And I've been thinking how, to do that, there is something I need to move beyond first...something I have to accept and distance myself from before I can find peace. I know that I have been holding onto it with metaphoric trinkets, if you will, and a couple real trinkets, but I just don't know how to be ready to break myself away from it all. Just like all my stupid junk collecting in my closet...I don't know how to say I've given up on it. I mean...I could possibly have the will power to lose the metaphoric reminders...but the real things...I just don't know. Realistically, I feel like I have to make the choice to move on or else I just won't until something forces me to forget, but I just don't think I want to forget yet. Is that a bad thing? I really wish I knew.

Maybe the fact that I obsessively collect remnants of my history is why I am perpetually child like and can't seem to make the transition to the adult world comfortably as most people can. Because I really don't think I have ever been able to be okay with adulthood...like I never want to do anything thats adult...I never want to act my age. Ever since I got to high school and found people were growing up I was like disgusted by the sight.

haha what the hell am I, Peter Pan?

Yeah but seriously I think maybe I should give some of my childhood stuff away just as an exercize in learning to not be afraid to grow up. Cuz seriously I said to myself while I was looking at stuff that I should give some to my sister or something and then immediately I thought "no omg...what if she messes it up? I can't trust her with that!" Which is partially warranted by the sheer anmount of crap she has and also by her history of losing things/ forgetting about things. But I just thought how crazy it is that I am so paranoid that stuff I played with as a kid will be damaged..

Bah okay enough....goodnight.

brendanluver22 @ 2006-06-28T23:28:00

2006-06-29T03:28:45Z

I don't want to go to sleep right now even though I should. I have to babysit tomorrow...which means another long day of playing pet shop and talent show, ha. I feel very lonely right now. Not sure why...I guess I just miss being in El Salvador where people were around all the time. And I guess I am starting to have to get back into the same old routine now that the class is over and I just don't want to. I really want to be doing something active. Even though sometimes I just wanted a break in El Salvador, I would rather have lots of places to go than nothing really much to do. Also, I just got used to a lot of people being around all the time. I typically like time alone but I guess I just became accustomed to that and I kinda miss it.

Anyway I'm not really sure where I'm going with this because I'm not sure why I am feeling like I am. I guess just post-trip lows. I dunno.

KATE!

I have not talked to you since I have been back...I didn't realize because a couple people called me and so I kept thinking I didn't have to call anyone...plus I've been going nuts over a final paper for that class.

Anyway...I shall call you soon, ha.

that is all.

brendanluver22 @ 2006-06-19T23:58:00

2006-06-20T05:59:11Z

So I´m sitting here awake and I really should be in bed, but I am kind of plagued by thoughts right now. I just watched a video about an Archbishop here named Oscar Romero and I just...I dunno his story plagues me. Basically, he was made archbishop shortly before the civil war broke out in 1981. At that time a militaristic regime was in charge here and a guerilla force had formed basically because the regime oppressed workers so badly for the benefit of a few and peaceful demonstrations were being ignored and/or repressed violently. So as the military became more violent in their tactics for ridding the country of the guerilla forces, many people ¨disapeared¨ or were murdered on suspicion of organizing the poor or supporting the left. Many priests began speaking out against this, saying that God would be against the killing of innocent people and that something had to change and that the priests needed to take an active role as leaders to denounce the sins of the army, but at first Romero was kind of on the side that said the church should not be involved in what´s going on outside the church. Then a priest who he was really close with was murdered for no particular reason except that he publicly supported the poor people and disagreed with the violence going on and so he was accused of being a communist and with the guerillas. Romero spent the rest of his life standing up for the right of the Salvadoran people to be free of such repression and denounced the regime from the pulpit as arch bishop. He even wrote to our president, Jimmy Carter, asking him as a fellow man of principles to stop sending the Salvadoran army aide (we sent them money then and throughout the war and supported the movement against the left more fervently during Reagan´s administration sending I think 1.6 million a day to the Salvadoran army and training a battalion of soldiers that performed repeated sweeps of towns, killing virtually every man woman and child there). Jimmy Carter did not stop sending aide, but Romero increasingly gained the love of the Salvadoran people and pissed off the military. So they hired a man to shoot him straight in the chest with a bullet made to blow apart on impact during his mass at his church.
So I guess I wanted to share that because from what I´ve been saying you may have gotten the idea that things are great here. And I mean in some respects they are. I mean it really is amazingly beautiful here. But I don´t want anyone to think that El Salvador is okay because its not. And I feel bad for only saying positive things when I´ve learned so many bad. Last week we went to the memorial for the people killed during the 12 year civil war and a great majority of the names were people who had simply disapeared...kidnapped from their families and never recovered. 75000 people or around that were killed and most of the killing was done by the Salvadoran army that was equipped with American weaponry...left overs from Vietnam a lot of it. I had a man who fought in the guerilla forces walk us around a museum of the war and show us the crater where an American bomb exploded in an attack on the guerillas. I met one of I think two survivors of a sweep the army did of El Mozote in Morazan, bringing all the people out of their homes, separating the men women and children and then killing them in groups. The women were raped and then shot....a lot of men had to dig their own graves before being killed. This woman Rufina managed to run away and hide somehow, but had to hear her childrens screams as they were murdered. And even when she told her story and reporters from Time and somewhere else had pictures of the bodys, our government denied it happened and continued to send aide. On top of which Rufina has told us that she has recieved nothing for the books that have published her stories. She had never seen the book we read about El Mozote that used her picture and her words.
And now the situation has not improved for any of the poor people here. The cities here are very modern and American and there are rich American looking neighbordhoods all over, but they have barbed wire and fences so high you can´t even see the house sometimes. Some even have glass shards all over the top of the wall with the barbed wire. This is because there is still such a small percentage of people who have the money here and kids are joining gangs like mad. One guy told us more people die every day NOW from that violence than during the war. If this seems surprizing, consider that the majority of the people here live on 155 dollars a month and they work in sweat shops, many of which are from Japan I believe. And the U.S is actually deporting Salvadorans from our country who have been involved in gangs in the U.S which is not helping. And whats even more sad is that the culture is so Americanized that even when we stayed in rural communities where most people didn´t have the luxury of plumbing or in some cases matresses, people still had televisions. So they see how much we have, especially the younger kids. The worst thing was we went to this supposedly fair trade clothing factory called Just Garments and they told us how they treat their workers so well and their the only ones with unions and all this. That day we talked to a human rights lawyer and mentioned we went there and he told us they were lying about everything. They haven´t payed their workers in 5 weeks and though they´ve taken benefits from their checks, they have only pocketed it for themselves. And the workers have been decieved into thinking they own most of the company after this long battle with the repressive owners from Japan, but in reality they own nothing. So even that beacon of hope is kind of shot. At least from what we´ve heard so far. I don´t know there is a lot more, but its so awfully depressing to see how our free trade policies have cheated the people here at the benefit of a few in the cities.
I really need to sleep now, but I hope that someone reads this and gets something from it. I feel a little helpless to help the situation, but maybe telling what I know is something I can do. Goodnight all.

brendanluver22 @ 2006-06-14T08:34:00

2006-06-14T14:42:30Z

wow I am so sad. Second update in El Salvador. The only reason I am updating though is because we have an hour of free time and I have nothing else interesting to do really except homework, so yeah. Anyway El Salvador is crazy...I stayed with a family in a community called Jardines de Colon and it was so scary since I don´t speak Spanish like at all, but it was so much fun. We went to Las Palmas where all these craft stores are so I got my family some presents. And yesterday we went to the beach. Damn. Everyone always told me the Pacific Ocean was warmer and everything but I didn´t believe it could be much different, but it WAS. Oh man. It was like bath water. The waves, however, were very strong as was the undertoe(sp?). Not only that but the beach was very rocky and I got washed up on the rocks at one point which reeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllly hurt. Aww man. But seriously the beach was like something out of a movie...palm trees, hammocks....and the sand was like crystalline black which I think means its volcanic (where we had been staying before Jardines overlooks a huge volcano in San Salvador). Anyway I had an awesome time even though I somehow got burnt EVEN WITH SUNSCREEEN. ARG. My skin sucks. That is all I will say. Chances are I will not come back tan at all too because its mostly been rainy (its the rainy season here) but its been completely worth it. I can´t wait to see everyone when I get back, though, I miss my house and my friends AND MY BAILEY haha. Well I have to go learn about some organization called Fundamere or something like that now....later!

brendanluver22 @ 2006-06-07T12:01:00

2006-06-07T18:06:49Z

aaaaah I am updating from El Salvador!!!!! Holy crap its beautiful here...paradise. I just did some work with Habitat For Humanity which was really cool...although sadly enough its the rainy season so its been kinda gross lately and supposedly it will be for a while. All the workers think I am the craziest gringa eva. haha they were laughing at me pretty much the entire time, but it was so much fun and the kids were sooo cute. SO CUTE. Anyway I should really go now because I don´t have much time...I can´t wait to show you guys all the pictures (you know there´s going to be like ten million)!!!! BYE!

brendanluver22 @ 2006-05-24T23:37:00

2006-05-25T04:35:38Z

okaaaay

so final grade breakdown:

Romanticism: B+ >:O
Jazz and American Identity: A
Immigration: A
Revolution and Literature: A!!!! :) :) :)
Intro to Creative Writing: A!!!!! :) :) :)

so I guess it isn't bad.

Anyway, so summmer is in full swing. I finished my first assignment for El Salvador...about to start the second. Somewhere in there I have to apply for Semester at Sea. **sigh** I'm really scared....El Salvadors going to rock but make me want to shit my pants at the same time.

I really want to hang out with people but I won't get much chance. I want to do a lot of things but won't get the chance actually. KATE where are you btw? I called you! Call my house! I had a really good time hanging out with Margaret and Whitney the other day though...playin some Silverchair and eating some cheese steaks....good stuff :) However I barely got to see Amanda which stunk, so hopefully we'll all hang out again soon.

I guess thats really all. I need to go to do work now. Goodnight all.

brendanluver22 @ 2006-05-22T15:47:00

2006-05-22T19:52:20Z

damn. So got my first B today. in an english class! eh I have to say though I think it was deserved. **sigh** I really didn't make much of an effort in that class...I think I either bombed the final or just got points away for missing class so much. I dunno....its kind of sad that I got a B+ in romanticism. It relly is. Especially since I got an A on the one paper we did. Anyway, whatever. I suppose I should just shutup and be glad I got through this semester cuz it was not good.

brendanluver22 @ 2006-05-19T03:09:00

2006-05-19T07:13:02Z

so another school year come to an end.

I finished my fourth and final ten page paper today and then I saw American Dreams...which was sad because it had so much potential and went nowhere. Honestly there were parts that were just HILARIOUS, but the end...?

Anyway, this was a really weird day.

I keep thinking back to what I was doing last year on the last nights before move out...man. How different.

I'm not sure what I feel about this passed year in regards to where I've gone since that time. Its strange to me that I never really got closure...but I dunno. I think for the most part I have been strangely happy with my life at least since winter break. I think I've grown a lot this year, that I've somehow really come close to being comfortable with who I am. Starting to take pictures again really made me feel like myself again in a strange way. My writing seems to be going somewhere...maybe...at least I survived creative writing class with Jerry Williams without becoming too sensitive which I feel good about.

The only thing that still bothers me is that I feel like I've come out of last year with this craving for male attention. Its really annoying but I feel like this year even being happy I have struggled with being alone. It pisses me off because its not like I've had guys in the past...its never really been a part of my life. so why is it that now I find myself wanting someone so badly? Its ridiculous because the truth of the matter is, however sad it is, based on this year I can already see I would have had no time for any sort of meaningful relationship anyway. and since next year I'll be president of Poptards and then hopefully studying abroad, I certainly won't have any more time then.

So I guess what I keep thinking is...what if I am just meant to be alone? What if I am just one of those people that will never fall in love....or at least never fall in love in the sense of devoting myself to another person. Am I THAT horrendously selfish and involved in my own shit that I have to completely give up any chance at love? I mean I know right well that relationships take work (well ya know...in my highly unexperienced opinion they take work) and it wouldn't be fair to ask anyone to be with me the way I am always working or doing other assanine things. I think if I ever got married it would be a sort of rational sort of match up...like more of a friendship thing than any sort of passionate love kind of thing. But is rational love like that even love? Is it love if it makes sense? Ugh I just feel like its so scary that it is quite possile I don't know how to love someone like that. I mean...thinking back to the only significant experience I've had...I don't think I was able to give him back what he gave me. I almost didn't know how to make room for it all in myself and I was so overwhelmed by it all...I didn't even know what to say or do. It doesn't mean I didn't feel strongly because I definitely did but what use is that if you can't even make them see it because you are too afraid? And whats sad is that I know he was a big part in making me reach this point in my life where I feel assured and comfortable in myself for the most part...he really somehow connected me to so much of my creative spirit that had been so dead for a long time. Yet, now I don't even know if what happened meant anything...I really cannot be sure. I mean I think we both thought it did at the time...I don't really doubt that...but after a while would we have realized that it wasn't going to amount to anything? I hate to say it, but part of me thinks we would have...if only because I wasn't what he really needed (of that part,at least, I'm fairly certain). I think he would have realized that eventually.

But this brings me to my next point...is love like that? Is every guy going to just be this beginning excitement and then a realization that it isn't this fervent, perfect, pure emotion that you thought it was? Is there even a such thing as 'true' love anyway? I used to think I wanted this head in the sky kind of love, just absolute adoration, but at the same time that kind of love would scare the hell out of me because I think when it comes right down to it I am afraid of being controlled by that kind of feeling. I know because I felt those fears all the time with him...I know exactly how much he controlled me and it scared me shitless. But I didn't know how to even explain that...or I suppose I just didn't want to admit I could be that vulnerable. So maybe true love isn't able to be that passionate...maybe passion always subsides.

eh whatever. I love how I act like theres some answer to these questions. It just bothers me that I want something so badly that I don't think I'll ever even have. and that I still think about something that happened last year. It's kind of pathetic really.

okay enough of this I am horrendously exhausted.

sigh

2006-04-23T20:03:49Z

Can we just acknowledge that this song is fantastic.

Motorcycle Drive By....Third Eye Blind

Summer time and the wind is blowing outside
In lower chelsea and I don’t know
What I’m doing in this city
The sun is always in my eyes
It crashes through the windows
And I’m sleeping on the couch
When I came to visit you
That’s when I knew I could never
Have you
I knew that before you did
Still I’m the one who’s stupid
And there’s this burning
Like there’s always been
I never been so alone
And I’ve never bee n so alive
Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by
The cigarette ash flies in your eyes
And you don’t mind, you smile
And say the world doesn’t fit with you
I don’t believe you, you’re so serene
Careening through the universe
Your axis on a tilt , you’re guiltless and free
I hope you take a piece of me with you
And there’s things I’d like to do
That you don’t believe in
I would like to build something
But you never see it happen
And there’s this burning
Like there’s always been
I’ve ne ver been so alone
And i’ve, I’ve never been so alive
And there’s this burning
There is this burning
Where’s the soul I want to know
New york city is evil
The surface is everything but I could never do that
Someone would see through that
And this is our last time
We’ll be friends again
I’ll get over you, you’ll wonder who I am
And there’s this burning
Just like there’s always been
I’ve never been so alone alone
And i’ve, and I’ve never been so alive
So alive
I go home to the coast
It starts to rain I paddle out on the water
Alone
Taste the salt and taste the pain
I’m not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes
See this rolling wave
Darkly coming to take me
Home
And I’ve never been so alone
And I’ve never been so alive

Baby, baby, baby bring me down....you can look me in the eye and break my heart

2006-04-12T22:06:51Z

Miranda Lambert ladies and gentlemen. MAN she's depressed, but I love that song so much.

"Sweet like a kiss, sharp like a razor blade. I find you when I'm close to the bottom."

so yeah I have not updated in quite a while....and since I am at the tutoring center not wanting to do work, seems like a good time.

**sigh** well where to begin....

I guess not too much has been going with me specifically because I have loads and loads of work to complete and I don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm starting to feel okay now, but for the past two weeks I've been pretty down. I feel like I have so much to do and no strong direction...not to mention some things I found out a while ago which rehashed things I didn't want to rehash and blah blah blah....you know that whole thing. Its not important, but my point is that work should die. Also I wish my boss were still at the TC (this is what I've decided to dub the tutoring center) because I am so all over the place with all of my papers that I don't even know what to do with myself and somehow it was always simple once I asked him.

Bah.

Anyway, what IS good is that I am going to El Salvador this summer! It is a summer class where you get to go down there for about 17 days and I'm very excited. I think it is too far away for me to feel the excitement quite yet, but it is going to be amazing. Although on the downside I have no idea what work I'm going to do..at all. Maybe I'll apply at CVS? I dunno.

ANNNNNND I am applying for Semester at Sea for next year :) Should be good, should be good. Gettin some world experience and what not...ha.

Also Kara and I went out to a nice dinner the other day cuz we got a gift certificate (how sad is it that that's the highlight of my past three weeks haha) but it was a lot of fun...the place apparently is real big I guess...all the sopranos were on their wall so ya know that must be big.

OH! WHITNAY! I am sorry I did not call you back!! I got your message though and it was hilarious and adorable and yes I miss ma Whitnay too :) :)

Anyway,I guess thats really all....man I'm boring ;)

wow....

2006-04-02T07:48:02Z

Yeah so....today.

Today I got hit by a cab.

The sad part is I'm not joking at all.

haha. Actually thats whats so hilarious about it. I'm perfectly fine...not even a bruise as far as I can tell, but MAN was it odd. I was so genuinely annoyed that it happened. hahaha I can just see the look of disgust on my face. AND what really pisses me off more than anything is that my sandal broke. The one sandal went flying and the other one was broken....or maybe the one that went flying was broken....I dunno...but holy shit. I was annoyed. And then I had to wait to leave because some guy called 911...which was very nice...but a FIRETRUCK arrived on the scene. A FIRETRUCK. REALLY????

Fireman: well we basically show up on the scene to make sure you're not like in the road bleeding or anything....

Me: oh...yeah I'm fine...

Fireman: oh. okay.

It was awkward.

And the best part is that the cab driver who hit me drove me home. HA. irony at its finest ladies and gentlemen.

So yeah....that was my April Fools Day.

Appropriate.

brendanluver22 @ 2006-03-22T00:13:00

2006-03-22T06:22:39Z

Weird couple of days here in Jersey.

Who am I kidding though...New Jersey is weird.

Anyway, it started when Amanda called me Monday and asked to hang out. We burned some music and then went in search of free Rita's water ice...which was an utter failure...however we DID get to walk along the creepy and mostly deserted boardwalk for a spell. Like I said...New Jersey is odd. Then Anne and I stayed over Amandas and the next morning we drove out to Jake's Landing which is this random little marsh thing next to the bay...real random...and there are a bunch of them all over. BUT on the way out we stop by this small cluster of graves...it was graves of this Ludlam Family from the 1800's or so! How random is that!? Anyways after that we drove out to another whacky little beach not too far away which had this old lighthouse...the second oldest lighthouse in New Jersey. I dunno...it was an interesting and very quirky day. OH also...I then dared Amanda to eat cream cheeze on a chips ahoy cookie which she did....and then I had to try it. Let me tell you...it was not as odd as you might think. It was actually half decent for being cream cheeze on a cookie. Ha.

So yeah...and then tonight I saw The Hills Have Eyes. I'm not sure if I even hated it or what I thought. It was just...out there.

But now I really need some sleep because I feel like I may fall over.

I should find out more about who the Ludlam family was...it intrigues me.