I rediscovered this song from the movie Keeping the Faith today..Peter Salett heart of Mine. I'd put in the lyrics but its really how it sounds that makes it so adorable. I also figured out he did most of the music for Down in the Valley ANOTHER good Edward Norton film.

so....its been a while eh?

I'm not really sure what I have to say, I just have so much time on my hands right now and its been so long since I've updated I figured I should.

I'm glad that I at least got a job...that makes me feel better. However, I wish I wasn't stuck here in New York. I really want to be in South Jersey right now.

I can't tell if I actually like New York or not. I mean I think it has its perks, but I don't know if I'd ever feel at home here. In fact, I don't know if I'd ever feel at home without a good deal of the people in South Jersey. I don't know why. I have friends here...I mean I guess not as many as I used to, but definitely I have friends. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a big baby.

I wish I didn't have to think about growing up and becoming responsible right now, but I do. I kind of feel like that guy in Office Space when he says that if he had a million dollars he'd do nothing. That's sort of how I feel. I try to do all these things I think will get me somewhere but the truth is I often don't care that much...bleh.

I am trying to apply for the Peace Corps right now and I'm starting to see it as a bad sign that I can't even write an essay explaining why I want to do it. I mean I think I have my reasons, but it just isn't coming. And I'm wondering...does that mean my reasoning isn't sound? Ugh. I dunno.

In other completely unrelated news, in the same week, strangely enough, two of my celebrity loves are getting divorced: Brendan Fraser and Daniel Johns. In Brendan's case I feel pretty bad considering they have three kids- that's a pretty shitty situation- but I'm not terribly surprised about Nat and John...I think they were pretty young when they married. But anyway I think this only proves it is I who is their real soulmate, eh? ha. I'm so sad.

and I am also tired, so I think I will sleep...or try to.

So I really like this song Fortunate Fool by Jack Johnson. I don't know why, but it came on the other day and every time I hear it, I feel so connected to it and I'm not sure why....

"She knows the world is just her stage
And so she'll never misbehave
She gives thanks for what they gave her
Man, they practically made her
Into a mmm...
But she's the one that stumbles when she talks about
The seven foreign films that shes checked out
Such a fortunate fool
She's just to good to be true
She's such a fortunate fool"

So here I am awake and restless yet again. I hate being this way. And you know you would think its because I am still so overwhelmed from my experience on Semester at Sea or something, but its not. The truth is I have actually decided that I'm not sure I would repeat that experience. Not because I didn't have fun, but because I have begun to disagree with the concept of travel. The next time I go anywhere I want it to be for a purpose beyond just enjoying myself. I mean okay yeah it helps you learn about a place when you go there, but I just think what is the point of learning about a place or becoming "cultured" for your own selfish reasons when the place you're going needs real help. I'm not saying I know the best way to help even now or that I regret SAS...I am eternally grateful for what I learned on the ship, but I just think that traveling is about me and not about others. I want to do something that will make the world a better place and now that I've seen some of the world maybe I can do something...if small things. I wish I knew if I have made changes...I don't know that I have. I can think of a few things: I have been getting into the habit of turning off the water when I soap up, I am volunteering at the Wetlands Institute this summer, and I am in the process of working with Marymount's environmental club on getting Marymount to be more sustainable. Enough? Probably not. But I guess at least its more of a start than after El Salvador.
Still I am just so uncertain of everything. I am so lonely sometimes. I mean okay yeah I have been surrounded by people since I've come home, but as always I feel I need more to some extent. I don't just want company....I want to be loved. How corny, I know, but I really just want someone to be with. And I wish I understood why I don't. I mean good lord how long have I waited for something that works out? And I don't know if I am just difficult to deal with or if I am just bad at relationships but I just wish I had what couples I see have. Whatever...I guess I should stop bitching and be positive for once. But jesus I'm going to be 21 and I haven't gotten this figured out. Ridiculous. Okay well I guess thats all...more random ramblings to come later...

Soo I am in Kobe　Ｊａｐａｎ　ｒｉｇｈｔ　ｎｏｗ　ａｎｄ　ｈｏｌｙ　ｓｈｉｔ　Ｉ　ｈａｖｅ　ｎｏ　ｉｄｅａ　ｗｈａｔ　ｔｈｉｓ　ｋｅｙｂｏａｒｄ　ｉｓ　ｄｏｉｎｇ．．．ｈａｈａ　ｏｏｈ　ｗｅｌｌ　Ｉ　ｇｕｅｓｓ　Ｉ　ａｍ　ｐｏｓｔｉｎｇ　ｉｎ　ｔｈｉｓ　ｃｒａｚｙ　ｂｉｇ　ｆｏｎｔ．．Ｉ　ａｍ
Ａｎｙｗａｙ，　Ｉ　ａｍ　ｉｎ　ｔｈｉｓ　ｔｒｉｐｐｅｄ　ｏｕｔ　ｉｎｔｅｒｎｅｔ　ｃａｆｅ　
ｗｉｔｈ　ｌｏｔｓ　ｏｆ　ａｎｉｍｅ　ｃｏｍｉｃ　ｂｏｏｋｓ　ａｎｄ　ｃｒａｚｙ　ｆｏｏｄ　ｉｎ　ｖｅｎｄｉｎｇ　ｍａｃｈｉｎｅｓ

hahahahahhaa I just wanted to leave this in here because it is from when I tried to post from an internet cafe in Kobe Japan and I couldn't get the keyboard to stop using japanese characters- grnated the boxes that livejournal has produced to represent thoae characters is not quite the same effect, but I found the memory rather hilarious.

ANYWAY. I am home now. It was a long plane ride...a lot of thinking and a lot of crying actually. Things were not as I had planned them to be in both good and bad ways and I kept feeling I could have done so much more...could have made so many more friends...could have taken so many more chances in port going out on my own. I don't know...I have a lot of regrets but I'm not sure it could have ended any other way...3 months is too short a time to travel as much as I did without feeling you could have done more I guess.

And I am oh so glad to be home. I am very tired and overstretched. In fact, I believe I am going to take a nappy nap right now. because red eye flights suck like no other. But I just thought everyone might like to know my whereabouts after so long being MIA :) Hope to see everyone soon!

Sooooooooooooo I am now on a boat headed toward Puerto Rico.

Sorry if I did not call and let everyone know but I was very busy beforehand and calls from the Bahamas are very expensive.

I probably won't be on much because I only get so much free internet time but I will try to keep everyone posted on here as best I can. I also have a travelpod which I will post to at some point (prolly after Puerto Rico) so anyone who wants to see it comment me your e-mail and I will invite you. ALSO e-mail me your address if you want some postcards and I will do my best to oblige.

I totally got sea sick last night, but I'm hoping I'll fare better tonight. Anyway I get to Puerto Rico in two days and classes start tomorrow so I am very excited. The ship is friken fantabulous...I can't even tell you. besides which my captain has a very attractive british accent which has brought me much delight during announcements.."ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking..." Its like when the airlines do it but much much better, ha.

Anyway, more later. Bon Voyage, eh?

just a quick update to say Merry Christmas..well Happy Holidays...to everyone. I had a really nice couple of days...fairly relaxed and I felt like I got everyone just enough and I didn't leave anyone out, so that was nice. I got some luggage which is sorely needed and SOCKS too so woooo.

I hope I did not spend a lot of money however because I have been realizing this week just how much money I will be shelling out for Semester at Sea in the next month. Oh dear lord its crazy. And I want to do EVERYTHING you know? I don't want to miss any opportunity because of money, but I just have to be very aware that I am on a budget.

and WHERE are my gosh darn work checks anyway? I am waiting for checks from the tutoring center but also from babysitting and from taking notes. COME! Bah I need that money soooo bad. At least I got some mula from my dad though. I am going to put that away immediately and hold onto it like my life depended on it.

I also am going to try to get a job tomorrow because I need some way to pay my expenses.

Do you think anyone would let me tutor them on the ship? Probably not, right? Bah.

well anyway Happy Holidays :)

its been a while, eh?

and since I do not feel like looking at my paper that I've been looking at since 8:30 this morning I think I'll just write here. It may make me feel like I'm getting away from it.

Is it bad that I can write papers now and barely think about what it is I'm saying? Like I can remember when I used to spend hours wondering what my argument should be in the paper or how I should start the paper and what my thesis should be. Now I basically just write and don't stop. And it makes me feel kind of bad because it feels like I don't give a shit enough anymore to write really good papers. I mean maybe my Middle East paper was okay, but other than that I'd say pooptastic for the rest as far as any creativity or energy goes.

I just wish I didn't write so many papers that it has become mechanical and meaningless to me. I can get an A on a paper and feel like I've barely thought it through and I don't think thats a good thing.

Beh, but I guess that is school for you, pretty much makes anything you actually enjoy mechanical. This semester has actually gone surprizingly well....I don't think I've really lost a nights sleep over work this semester which is good. Either I have become faster at doing things or I've just learned how to organize myself a little, but somehow mostly everything got done without much sweat. Probably its because I'm taking math courses that are essentially review, a review that I need, but review.

Anyway, I started packing my things to come home today and I realized I cannot wait to get out of here. I feel sad thinking about not seeing Kara and Heather and friends here, but really I just want to go away. Kara asked me yesterday whether I would miss New York and I just said "no." flat out. I realize that I have no attachment to this place at all...or locations in general. I told her I'd miss the people here but thats it.

The truth is, though, I don't know if I'll even miss people too much. Is that wrong to say? I mean I will, but I just suddenly have such a strong desire to escape everything. I feel so confused with what I want for my future...but somehow I don't know if I'll find what I'm looking for here. And maybe thats selfish of me to say, but I don't mean in it to downplay the importance of anyone I love, and I don't know...something makes me want to just be away from here.

I saw this movie Blood Diamond the other day and there was this journalist in it who has been all over the world covering stories and at one point someone tells her to go and marry a good man and she says "my sister's are all married to good men...I like my life as it is". And I was saying on the way home that there is a big part of me that feels that way...a big part of me that doesn't want to do the settling down thing and wants to go have these crazy adventures in the middle of nowhere. She said something else..."some people say I'm just addicted to crisis" or something like that. And its true, I feel that. Is it weird to not be able to stand that things are good? I think perfection can just drive you stark raving mad.

The flipped side of all this is that I'm not that cool adventurer she is. I wish I was, but I'm not. And maybe I will end up getting away from here for a few years but chances are I'll be back because the people I love are here. I was saying after the movie that I just couldn't see myself being that person who lives their work and neglects everyone they care about. Maybe thats a weakness thing, I don't know, but I just feel like I couldn't live without a lot of people by my side....okay I mean I COULD live, but it would be considerably less of a life. I just don't know how you do both...I mean can you?

Anyway just thoughts as my college career pushes me closer to making those permenant, settled decisions of jobs and what not. I am glad that whatever happens I'm at least going to have this semester at sea deal..at least I can say that.

See everyone when I come home on the 20th YAY!

(see if you know that one Whitnay ;) )

Tina Peabody is confused.
Tina Peabody is confused about school.
Tina Peabody is confused about what she wants to do with her life.
Tina Peabody is confused about why her stomach hurts right now
Tina Peabody is confused about men.

Tina Peabody is so gosh darn confused she is writing in the third person.
...and making terrible jokes about it.

I'll tell ya though somewhere between now and second grade I lost my way...don't know how. But I sure as hell thought I knew what I wanted as far as everything then. And then I also thought I knew what I wanted in highschool senior year. AAAAAANNNND then I REALLY thought I knew what I wanted as far as everything is concerned by the end of freshman year. Lord knows now that I had no idea.

Honestly, why is it so hard for me to figure out what I want to do?

Why can't I be like people who just know they want to do something and just go at it with a sense of purpose?

Here's the thing, like I said I have been thinking about the fact that I don't really care to study literature anymore...at least not like I used to. Now, I could try...it would be veeeeeerrrrry hard, but I could try...to complete and International Studies Major with my English if I pull an extra year at Marymount...and take a January and Summer course or two. Is this really what I want? I think so...and I mean I think it would be really great for me if I decide to get into journalism to have that sort of background....but it IS a lot of extra money. And it is time I could be NOT in school for once.

Granted I still want to complete my math and creative writing minor...eh.

And I'd have to miraculously CLEP out of at least 2 sections of a language. Which with my Spanish....I don't know if that'll happen. I guess it could...and I could make it happen. But yeah...

Why do I just want to do everything? Its so silly.

And I try so hard to ride this balance between having a life and becoming an academic slave to books. I don't want to be that person that does not do anything with their life but read and analyze things. I want to live, I want to be able to have a family....I want to have experience

and yet part of me wants to go as far academically as I can...like PHD level. Could I? I don't know, but I would love to try.

And yes I know I could have all the PHD's in the world and not be educated but I'm just not ready to learn all I need to know on my own yet. I love learning in groups with others. I don't want to just sit by myself and read. At least in class there is some social aspect to it.

Eh, whatever.

I don't know what the hell my problem is but I am insane.

I also have the tendency to keep my mouth shut about too many things I know I should speak out about. This is causing me problems lately in certain aspects of my life and if I wasn't such a pussy I would correct it. That is all I have to say about that.

And everything else. As Socrates might say "I am done with you."

Today was a weird day. I feel very off center.

Got caught in the rain...damn cold rain too....kinda fun in a strange way, though.

So a professor said something to me today....and I don't know why, but its bothering me. I keep thinking about it...

It was a compliment, but a compliment that made me feel like what I've been doing in college for three years is irrelevent. Something I have been kind of vaguely feeling since El Salvador but have been afraid to acknowledge.

Basically, he told me that I needed to switch into the social sciences. And as much as I was flattered by the fact that he thought I had some good writing, I don't know what to do with the fact that at this point in my life I think he may be right.

I think the deep truth is I don't know if I want to study literature anymore. I mean, granted I want to write and I still love literature but I've begun to fail to see the point in my learning about it.

Not that I regret any moment of my English study here, but honestly I just don't feel passionate about it anymore. About writing things, yes, but I guess I feel like I've learned all I need to know about literature. I mean I love it as an art, I really do, but that doesn't mean I want to study it. Right now Middle East class is the most important class to me. All the others I could honestly give or take. But the things I have discovered from reading about the Middle East are just so...I dunno...they make you think about everything in a different way. Especially this government we have.

Now don't get me wrong, I love it here. But the truth that I have had to face since being in El Salvador and taking this class from a professor who is himself Palestinian is that we are responsible for so much of the issues that other people have. I mean, not all of them, but many. Look at El Salvador. Whose fault is it that sweatshops exploit the workers there? Why is that the government could care less about the plight of the poor that work there? Because we give them fucking money to give us that cheap ass labor and open their doors to free trade so that domestic economy is completely controlled by outside businesses and the government itself has no means of protecting its workers. Similar story in many Latin American countries.

What about the Middle East? Well, lets see. We wonder why they hate us. Why in the world would they have a problem with us, right? The truth is that we supported the invasive policies of Israel since 1948 for no other reason except we felt they would keep security in the Middle East and protect our interests since they were so powerful even though almost every country in the Middle East except for maybe Egypt refused to recognize Israel as a state since (with our help) it consistently shirked UN demands to get the hell out of Palestinian territory that it promised to. But why do Iraqis hate us? Lets see, perhaps the fact that during the cold war we decided that Iraq was contrary to our interests and proposed what we called dual containment on them and Iran who we also felt was a "disruptive force" (unlike, you know, the Israeli state because they just made everything peachy keen in the Middle East). During which we made sure that Iraq and Iran would not prosper economically. In the gulf war, Iraq became so frustrated with our support of Israel at the expense of Palestine and the feelings of almost all other Arab states that they invaded Kuwait, a strategic monarchy cut out of the newly formed Iraq by Britain after World War II to ensure that Britain would be able to control the oil supply of that region and the gulf...leaving Iraq to watch as Kuwait became wealthy of Western purchase of oil. The U.S intervened where it would not intervene on behalf of the Palestinians and then proceeded to impose harsh economic sanctions on Iraq for years after which hurt the poor more than anyone else and did not allow Iraq to make any money off of oil profits. AND once we had beaten the Iraqis, we left the people under the care of Suddam Husayn, who now we cry and scream about as being a monster and horrible person.

And then we call every muslim a terrorist and think that Islam teaches violence. You should have seen the hurt in my teachers face when he was trying to explain to us how Islam is really about acceptance . Now granted it also teaches to convert others..but it also teaches tolerance for Jews and Christians.

I just, I dunno. The more and more I know the more I am upset that I never knew what was going on around me. I always vaguely knew about Israel and Palestine but I did not understand it.

anyway I think that is far too much of a rant for one night. Just a lot to think about.

welllll then. Its been a little while since I last updated I guess.

I am in Pennsylvania right now...kinda nice to be away from the city. Actually really nice. I love that it actually feels like the fall season here. And that there is actually stuff going on for Halloween. Yesterday Kyle and I went to pick apples from some farm and we went through a corn maze, ha (kinda ironic...a corn MAIZE...haha...yeah...awkward).

Anyways, I had fun actually being outside and being around grass and trees and dirt because I've realized that NYC is just laaaaame in the fall. LAME.

I still feel pretty gosh darn apathetic about everything right now though. And its sad because I shouldn't. Things are good, but I'm just BORED of it all. I just wanna like....hop a boat to some random country and never come back sometimes.

Haha however, as Geoff said, this is the point in which I feel bad that I am being so selfish and think about the starving children in Ghana....or whatever country it was he said. I guess it doesn't really matter though you can pretty much insert any Latin American/African/ Middle Eastern country and say the same thing.

Its true. I should be more grateful, but hopefully once I go on Semester at Sea I'll feel I have purpose again.

Anyway I guess thats all, Happy Fall everyone. Later!

It occured to me that I perhaps should update everyone on what's going on with me....

Of course as I'm writing this its occuring to me that I don't have much to update.

Pretty much has been the same old same old at school...not in a bad way...in a good way, I think. I am pretty gosh darn content.

AND I am sooooo enjoying doing math again. Who knew I actually liked it that much? But I really really really missed it, I think. Besides which I feel a lot healthier when I am not reading 5 books at once.

Poptards is going pretty well, too, I think. However, due to all the mainstage productions and everything we will only be having a Best Of Show and one other show this semester. Oh well, at least they will probably be really good. (I hope).

Other than that, what can I say, I lead a boring life, ha. But no really I love my simple little life and the stupid things that I do to keep myself occupied that mean so much even if they don't sound like they do. Honest to God I've probably spent more time going for walks with friends than anything else this semester.

HOWEVER, I do sooooo want to go Fat Cats soon! And I definitely need to go to the MET and MOMA (and maybe a new museum for once..ha) because I haven't really gotten to since I've been here.

Can we talk about how happy I am, by the way, that I have found a few Silverchair fans at school!? One girl actually heard me say Silverchair and she sang "Steam will Rise" to me and I was like RES! She did not know Diorama, however, and I intend to force her to listen to it against her will. While holding a gun to her head and raping her. With a broomstick.

.....


hahahahaha, awkward enough? I know I will get some anonymous comment on that being like " OMG like you shouldn't talk about rape like that LOLZ !?". But no matter. Anyway, no i seriously intend to lend her the CD next class even though I don't really know her just because I think she'll like it and I'm the kind of awkward shithead who would do something like that...and, yes, the kind of awkward shithead who would joke about raping some chick she doesn't even know.

But what else is new?

Haha ya know this all makes me wonder what happened to my entries of the old days which were all "I just think that life is about the stripe of a zebra and I read this book that metaphorically made me think about the stripe of a zebra while studying a philosopher who said that zebra stripes are the meaning of life"

Anyone notice that it gets harder and harder to take things seriously as you get older?

Anyway, its time for me to go read about linguistics and learn things like the fact that parrots cannot recognize that Polly and Molly rhyme. Its interesting stuff, even though I'm sure it doesn't sound that way.

later days.